Dear 2014.... you sucked! Part 1

I'm in mixed thoughts about the title of this post... whilst this  year really has been pretty much overshadowed by the nightmare of the last 5 month, it has also been a year where had it not been for  events in July, that this may have pretty much been one of my last, so in that sense I am rather grateful.
I am also grateful for this year giving me some perspective into many areas of my life... what is worth worrying about, what is worth fighting for and who my true supports and friends are.
On reflection, despite this year being generally described as "shitballs" I do have to admit there have been a lot of positives.
Hey, the biggest being that I'm here and at this point of time looking pretty good to being on the "cancer free track"!

Life has changed a lot this year, not just for me but for everyone close to me... Cancer has a way of involving everyone, from my other half whom has held my hand (shhhh I'm not sure if he has actually realised this is a form of PDA!) throughout this whole thing, made me laugh when I needed it, cooked for me, looked after me and most of all.... been there when I have needed him; through to my beautiful "Miss nearly 8" who plays food police ('are you allowed to eat this?'), gives me unconditional cuddles, makes me laugh and most recently has become Judith's "personal protection officer" ('Careful, you don't want to do that, you might pop your bag'... I'm not quite sure what she thinks will happen if it pops... or how it will pop... but either way its pretty cute); cancer has also affected my family, friends and my co-workers... all of whom have been dragged along for the ride and have all played a part in making life over the past 5 months bearable .

2015 is a new year, with it, it brings new challenges, unknowns and the opportunities to push myself. I feel lucky in a way that Cancer has given me the opportunity to assess my life, to figure out what I want and don't want in my life, what to fight  really means and what living is really about.
 While I'm pretty sure there was a more "less invasive" way  to learn these lessons other than getting cancer... I cant change things so I'm just going to continue to go with the flow.... and whilst doing so making cancer suffer from me.

there is a lot I want to write about the new year, but since its New Years eve, I'm going to sing off tonight... and spend the night eating icecream!

have a safe and happy night everyone, make the most of it... even if it only involves sitting curled up with your other half eating icecream... make it meaningful for you... tonight will only happen once...

RAG x

Standing still

As I write this I'm sitting looking at our Christmas tree... today is Christmas eve day... I'm usually not a huge Christmas person, but this year is more of a personal one for me to celebrate.. I'm still here... and planning in being here for many many more, and thanks to modern medicine I will be.
I am one of the lucky ones, totally grateful for being given the opportunity to make the most of everything.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of the cancer crap is about the luck of the draw... its often not about how much you fight the beast (or attempt to train the dog), sometimes things really just don't go to plan.... today I find myself thinking about two woman that I have followed their journey's(Natalie Murphy and Harriet Rowlands) ... both fighters in their own right, both strong and have left lasting impressions on many people, both sadly didn't make it.

Whilst I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions (wow I'm sounding like a real seasonal Grinch) I feel that by luck I have been given the opportunity to make the most of life.... and I plan on doing this... so watch out.. 2015 is the year of the comeback.

Right, its Christmas... lets step away from the serious stuff... as I've always said this blog is about getting out what's inside my head, I've currently got lots going on... both serious and the non.
I do promise not all posts will be as serious as the start of this one.

I'm now 7 weeks out from surgery... wow, how time flys when your having fun :-) Judith is still being Judith..... hmmm very much living up to her names sake (Judith Collins)... somewhat useful at times, but generally a big bag of shit (*disclaimer.... apologies if I have upset anyone's political beliefs or just insulted your Aunty etc etc.... if Judith is your Aunty etc, I'd love the opportunity to get a photo with her!).
I'm still none the wiser as to if I am getting round 2 of Chemo... I meet my oncologist on the 20th of January to find out.
And today is the day  I am planning on jumping on (or should I say gently climbing on) Baldrick (my hardtail mountainbike) for the first time in about 10 weeks! I'm quite excited.... mind you I'm only planning on riding along the river trail, but that will be enough gnarl  for now..... wooo hoo, living life in the fast lane!!!! bahahahahaha

Right I'm off to enjoy the sun while we still have it....
enjoy your day

RAG x x x x

Judith's hidden talent

So today whilst on a home visit for work, Judith decided that she was not getting any attention... thankfully she was rather subtle.....

Whilst sitting at the table with the family I was working with (whom have 2 VERY large dogs), I could hear Judith making little sounds (picture the sounds the dishwash bottle makes when you squeeze it when its running out), then all of a sudden she made a slightly louder high pitch noise.. which apparently sounded very interesting to the dogs whom jumped up from the other side of the room to investigate my interesting sounding stomach!!!!
End result..... me sitting at the table, with two fascinated VERY large dogs with their heads in my lap!!!

thank you Judith for disclosing your hidden talent (if anyone wants to hire her as a dog calling system, message me and I'll happily rent her out!)... I am very grateful the dogs didn't decide to go digging for treasure!!!!

RAG x

Sealed joins and good plumbing

I have to confess... I'm a bit excited after having had a scan today to check to see if the joins where my mass was removed are ok and not leaking.
Initial results indicate that the joins have sealed well, and that everything is working well and there are no leaks... YAY!!! this means that I'm 1 step closer to having my ileostomy reversed!!!!

I meet the surgeon again on Monday, so this is where I'm hoping to get my formal pathology results and hopefully some information about what the next steps are... chemo? reversal of the ileostomy? when I can get tested to see if I'm in remission!

Shit (excuse the pun!) that would be the best Christmas present ever... CANCER FREE!!!!

Its been a random and hectic few months.... while it feels like this whole process has taken forever I still have to remember that its actually only been a few months. This time last year I had no idea I had cancer.
Time has a way of being inconsistent... there are days when things go really fast and at other times I sit there thinking that tomorrow will never come.
What I don't like, is that I feel I cant do everything I want... I'm still not at 100% health, I cant exercise or do the same things as pre Chemo/ all other treatments, and at times I forget this. Like at the weekend I went to a housewarming party.... such a fun night!, unfortunately for me I really do turn into a pumpkin if not home at a certain hour... that hour apparently is anything after 8.30- 9pm!!! so 10.30pm rolls on and I'm tired and sore (My abdominals are still really weak from being sliced and diced). Keeping in mind I was only drinking water and a bit of grape juice so I really have no excuses for how I felt the next morning!
Fast forward to Sunday morning.... I seriously don't know who felt worse, my jaegermeister drinking friend (she was on fine form when we left) or me "little miss cheap date" ... I'm pretty sure I may have given her a close run for money!

I'm learning (if a bit slowly) to take things easier and not to push myself to do things that I would have done this time last year... its hard tho!

anyway... its onwards and upwards.. moving forward, one step at a time
Until next time
RAG (somewhat slowly learning, or just a slow learner!) x

The attention span of a nit

Yep, that sums me up in a nut shell at the moment... apparently this is one of the side effects of having had so much time under anaesthetic. This is my excuse for not being on here so much. To date this post has taken me 4 days to write. Usually I can crank out what I want to say almost as fast as I can talk... and for all those that know me that's pretty darn fast! its a really weird feeling not being able to do something that would usually come naturally. Due to this lack of concentration, I find myself flitting between pages on the internet, and random (at times totally mindless) TV programmes whilst trying to relax at night (committing to reading a book is near impossible at the moment).. its all rather disjointed.

So yesterday marked the 4 week mark since I had surgery. In that time I have returned to work (well 16hrs a week, so don't panic, I'm not churning out 40hr weeks).

Working has been good, tiring but good, its giving me a focus of "normality", and has made me bite the bullet and go out in public, Judith in tow.... so far so good... Judith has behaved in public (minus one rather large ballooning out incident when we were out to dinner with friends, luckily they didn't notice until I pointed it out and I had a laugh).
Today I facilitated my first meeting since having Judith, this has been something I have been a little worried about... what happens if she "farts" loudly (I've been lucky so far my stoma is somewhat quiet... it makes the odd gurgle noise - just like a grumbling empty stomach sound... but so far no dramatic farts) or worse decides to explode in true "cartoon car crashing and exploding in flames" fashion - minus the flames... replacing it with something else that's far less desirable! Mission completed... no farts, or explosions!

Judith and I are attempting to be friends (or at least get along somewhat).... I consider her to be like one of those random flatmates whom you really don't like, but they pay the rent and replace the toilet paper when needed (although they place the roll round the wrong way on the holder, just to piss you off), but generally you try and not get to know them too well as you think they are rather annoying and a bit "special, in a special kind of way".
So every now and then Judith and I actually start to get on.. well by that I mean she actually starts to work how she's supposed to, then without warning, she decides to do something that upsets the whole balance of everything (think: the toilet roll being round the wrong way)... this is when she decides to become "over active"  - yes that means what you think that does, or then she decides to stop working, by becoming partially blocked.... oh the fun of it.... roll on eviction!!!!!

On a plus side, I'm getting more flexible in terms of my trunk/torso movements... and am making far less old lady sounds when I get in and out of chairs and bed etc. Still no abdominal control.... this is a weird concept as its changed my whole body shape, especially when I'm really tired and cant hold my abdominals and back muscles tight.
Fingers crossed I can start trying to re-build my poor sliced and diced abdominals soon.

Well  all in all this week has been a positive and a good one, things are progressing, I'm healing and I'm getting closer to the day when I can say I'm cancer free.

Until next time this tired brain and body is going to rest up.
Take care and thank you for reading this.

RAG x

So far so good...

Today has been a good day...... a long day but a good day.
It all started with my first post op meeting with my surgeon..... here I found out that whilst the final report from the pathologists was not finalised, he had seen a preliminary  which indicated that there was no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes and that the mass he had removed was contained
(plus it was a whole heap smaller than when initially discovered)..... Fricken awesome news. This means that the chemotherapy and radiotherapy were successful.... the dog was tamed! good dog for listening and behaving!
So whilst I still need to officially wait to hear the finalised report and then wait to see what the next step is (I may still need a final dose of Chemo, with the aim of catching any potential stray cancer cells that may be lurking around), I'm feeling pretty happy with where things are at right now.... its weird to think I could actually be cancer free right now... let just watch this space!
Also discussed at todays meeting was the eviction of Judith.... who is starting to out stay her welcome at times... especially tonight when she decided to play up (all I'm going to say is that leaking bags are not fun!). It is hoped that (depending on potential chemo) an eviction notice will be given to Judith in the next few weeks with her needing to leave sometime in January!!!! whoop whoop!

I had to have a giggle today... I ran into one of the Dr's that looked after me on the ward... his words "you look really different"  -I take that its really good to know that I have two different distinct looks.... dressed in "work clothes" and looking somewhat respectable and then the "lounging round in bed PJ look", coupled with the "I'm about the throw up/ drug induced dribble face"... I'm now happy to know that there is a visible difference!

Today also marked my first day back at work.... this was successful (abet me getting very tired!), and I have to admit I enjoyed doing something that made me feel like I had a purpose.... recently my only purpose has been to weight the sofa down in case there was a gravity emergency!

well time to sign off... all the excitement of good news, first day at work and "emergency" bag changing affords bed....

night peoples....

RAG x

There is no place like home

Not in Kansas anymore.....

 

HOME... finally home!
So since my last update I have managed to get myself discharged home... I arrived home last Wednesday! Yay for home.
Apologies for this being a somewhat long post (and being a bit disjointed... a lot has happened since I went to hospital)... but it does include photos....

It really feels like a long couple of weeks, from getting admitted on the 4th through to finally getting out on good behaviour on the 12th the length of hospital stay varied from going very fast (I think I can thank a large quantity of IV morphine for a few days of incoherency.... quote the pain management nurse... "your a bit of a cheap date"... thanks I think), through to dragging and being very unimpressive, such as the day that we discovered that, me and tramadol are not good friends (I was rather gutted on this day.... after going through Chemo and Radio therapy without being physically sick.... Tarmadol did it... gutted... literally), and  I have to admit I was pretty lucky to hold my single room right up until my last night, when I needed to move into a 4 bedded room due to an emergency coming in..... this taught me a lot..... my new room consisted of  3 other women, 2 of which were Ok roomies, one however gave me a whole new appreciation to how much crap (and  a lot of wee on the floor!) some nurses have to put up with (hey she made me look like a model patient)... not a lot of sleep that night, but I was very appreciative to the lovely nurse who gave me the gift of ear plugs....

So on the 5th of November "Judith" was born - Judith is the name of my stoma.

 

I read somewhere that its good to name your stoma so that you can openly discuss any problems you might be having in public openly, i.e: "I'll be hack in a minute, Judith's not doing too well...." (beats saying your shit bags exploded or leaking).  Just shortly before Judith was born, my mass was removed... by all accounts this procedure went well, but I wont know the results and the follow up plan (if any) until I meet with my Surgeon once the pathology reports come back, but I am now the owner of one scar running down the side of my belly button (its about 8 inches long) and currently healing well.
The whole operation took just under 5 hours (give or take a few minutes), which means that I have a bit of a road to recovery ahead of me.
This journey started in hospital with me waking up to being hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines (measuring input and out put, plus feeding me and giving me drugs... yep I turned into a human pin cushion in a very quick period of time... to be added to over the days I was in hospital with lines drying up and veins blocking, so new lines needing to be put in and viable veins found).

After the first couple of days I was finally allowed up... meet my new friend/ wheels ... the moving mandarin..... quick someone get an Occupational Therapist... I was given a zimmer frame (well it has 2 wheels so I will class it as a BLO - Bike Like Object)... thank you to my friends who turned up to bling it up (after they stopped laughing.... the fluffy dice and bell were pretty cool).



the moving mandarin.... I'm sure I'll get the QOM on strava for the laps of the ward with this baby! 

Being in hospital gives you a whole new appreciation for so many things.... your own bed and shower, how quiet your own house is (my room was right across from the Nurses station), how independent you are before going into hospital, and how good "real food is"... don't get me started on "the mystery meat!" .

No, this is not a road kill hamster... its actually pot roast!

Throughout my stay, I have to admit I was blown away by the amount of visitors and well wishes I received... I have to say I have the coolest friends and family... you guys rock. From the friend that called in every day after work, my co-workers who txt and visited, the friends that came in and made me laugh so hard I thought I was about to physically split my stitches, the Facebook messages and phone txt, and emails, the people who brought me flowers and cards and my Minion mascot, right down to my Mum who sat every day keeping me company (must have sucked for her to have to see me sick and not being able to do much about it), my beautiful Miss 7.5 (whom developed quite a interest in all the medical stuff, watching drips and machines), and my other half whom snuck in each night before the end of visiting hours to hang out... every night became date night in the hospital! 

The support I have received from everyone (and this included the nurses and medical staff... its funny when you are wandering around the ward on your daily "walk" and one of the nurses calls you Radioactive girl) has been amazing.... its helped me so much with dealing with this part of my journey.

I'm going to finish up here, I'm still reflecting on what's has gone on over the past couple of week, and will write about it in time....

keep smiling,
until next time.
RAG x x x