Trust me I know what I'm doing....

Famous last words, followed by.. hmm what could possibly go wrong?

Trust is a funny thing, you either trust something (or someone) or you don't. For me there is very little middle ground... its either one or the other. I have to admit the concept of having trust in my body is not something I had ever really thought about until it started letting me down... I trusted it to be healthy and it let me down by getting cancer.

It seems a silly thing to come out with, but that's how I feel. Until recently I had limited trust in my body, I feel that it really let me down. How do I start trusting something that I feel really let me down???

Drum roll please.......
 you guessed it.... I rode my bike... a lot, and I pushed myself.

Rewind 12 months..... on November the 5th 2014 I had my first surgery - to remove my tumour and to 'technically' make me cancer free... yep, its been 12 months - shit doesn't time fly when your having fun!

I must have been out of surgery and recovering in my 'suite' at the hotel Hutt when I had a couple of visitors one day....  I'm going to blame the outcome of the conversation on the large quantity of drugs I was on. These two friends placed some faith in me, they believed I could do something pretty "big" for the condition I was in at the time and for what I was going to go through in the 6 odd months after. They entered me in a bike race, to take place pretty much 12 months to that day. I agreed. I have to confess, I actually didn't think I would make it. I had no trust in my body and its ability to do this.
So fast forward to last weekend, guess what I did.... I rode that race, it may have only been 25km (including the hill of awesomeness, that I had 'smashed' recently), but I did it. I may not have been fast.... I even had a support rider... my coach, one of the friends who had more trust and belief in me than I did.

My next 'test' was 5 days ago... I rode my Mountain bike in my first 6 hour race since I had been diagnosed (this consists of a set circuit of trails to ride, over and over again until the 6 hours is up, the winner is the person with the most laps over the 6 hours). No team for me, I decided to suck it up and push, so I did it solo... that's right me, myself and I.
I set myself a goal (6 laps), and I beat it (I did 8). Its funny, I came 11th out of 11 solo riders, usually I'd feel a bit shit about being the last (yes, I know someone has to be last.. blah blah  blah), but you know this time, I didn't care, in my eyes I won. I won my battle with trust, its slowly getting earned back.. my body may have taken a bit of a beating, but nothing bad happened, and I beat my goal.
It hurt, both physically and mentally, but compared to cancer and chemo, it was nothing. Knowing that my body was able to do it was a biggie for me.

  

 

Does my bum look big in this?

Trust... I don't have full trust in my body, but slowly (just like my riding speed), I'm pushing the boundaries and seeing what happens.



"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn't"

RAG x x x

Always listen to your Mum

Its been over a month since I last posted.... I actually feel like I'm in a confessional.

My lack of posting hasn't been for not wanting to, in fact I have drafted several posts, all of which have never made it as far as me pushing the "publish" button for one reason or another.

A lot has happened since my last post, there have been a family holiday; profound moments such as riding alone in a forest during a storm; my first MRI since finishing treatment; my birthday... and the list can go on.
Whilst I could start writing about any of the things I have mentioned, todays post is about this blog, and how it began.

When I was first diagnosed one of the hardest things I had to do was tell my Mum; coming from a family which consisted  of just her and me, this was a biggie, I wasn't the youngest child or the oldest child in the family, I was the only.
Somehow during either my first phone call to her (yes I had to tell her over the phone, we live in different parts of the country) or the second... she said she thought I should get a diary and write. I cant recall her exact words (I don't actually remember a lot of details relating to any conversations around that time!), but she was adamant that one day I might want to go back to my diary and either write a book, or use the content to help others.
Well, I have to confess, I did buy a book.... I never really wrote in it. I decided that I would start this blog. Initially it was a way for me to get what was in my head out so that I wasn't brewing stuff I shouldn't have been, plus it was a good way of keeping people updated with what was going on, I was a little over telling people every detail on a regular basis.

Fast-forward to this last week, I was telling my Mum that my blog has been featured on the Bowel Cancer NZ facebook page, and that I had gotten some really awesome feedback about my blog and a few emails from people either starting their cancer journey or currently going through it that had stated they found it helpful and insightful.... my mothers response to hearing this.... in a very proud voice "I can say it now, didn't think it would happen this early, but I told you so" .
Four words no one ever wants to hear from a parent (correction, anything relating to your parents sex life rates as a list topper!), "I told you so", and what's worse, she was right. As weird as I feel sometimes about people reading my blog, and these words right now, I am really glad that what I write might be useful to someone.

So on that note, thank you for reading and following... I have lots in my head still to come out, so keep reading, and watch this space... I'll even start posting more photos (just to keep things interesting!).


Until next time
Thank you

RAG x x x

Suck it up sunshine

Ok, so its been a few weeks since my last post. opps.

What have I been up too…. Bikes and hills would be the simple answer.

The last few weeks have been about me looking what I can do without overloading the fatigue see-saw. There is a fine line between balance and the wheels falling off… I’m still learning but am getting a lot better at looking after myself.

Before I was diagnosed I can now reflect that I was a bit of a whimp when it came to pushing myself at times… mind you at the time I wouldn’t have said that. But there are little things I think back on and I am now challenging myself on them (what’s the worst thing that could happen???).

One big thing was around riding hills, something I used to try and avoid unless I really had to do it. I’m now making this a mission to challenge, and push through this previously self-imposed barrier of “this is too hard”. What the last 13 odd months has taught me is that there are harder things in life I have had to deal with and challenge myself with, all of which I have done, and survived. So I can do this.

Whilst I’ve generally been a pretty motivated and positive person previously, my outlook has changed and I feel stronger and more confident in my abilities (If I can do chemo, radio, surgery and Cancer I can do anything I put my mind to).

So with all this in tow, I have been trying to ride a varying assortment of hills to push this, and I have successfully completed all the challenges I have set for myself, it has been tough, but as I keep chanting various mantras whilst slogging up the hills (I may add very slowly is my top speed!)… “Suck it up sunshine”, “this is not as tough as treatment” and “I will not let cancer win”, (and a few others with some quite "choice" words that I cant say as my Mother is reading this)  I can now tick off some hills I would have either avoided or complained loudly about previously. I am proud of myself and my body for doing this (learning to trust my body is something I am still working on, but its holding together well…. And this is a story for another day).

To do this I have to say I have had some amazing support from my pretty cool group of friends and super amazing partner (Sorry this is about as sappy as I get) and family. They have come riding with me, kept me company, ridden repeats up hills whilst I keep slogging along to get up just once, they have challenged me and looked after me. I am more than grateful for this.

 I leave this post with some photos of my latest adventures

There was sleet, rain and mud... and I made it to the top for the first time in over a year

 

 

 

At the top of Wainui looking over Wellington!

Weeeeeeeee... looks like I'm jumping over a large bottle cap!  

Cyclocross bike fun on new single track.

 

 

 

At the top of Blue Mountains Road... made it to the top.... this is what I used to call the "Mountain of stupidity" which I finally rode and made it the "hill of awesomeness"  

 

Thank you for reading again, stay tuned for more adventures and potential madness and mayhem.

 

Stay strong and true to yourself

RAG x

You can stick your membership card and renewal form

Clubs… pretty much everyone has been a part of a club at some stage in their life, whether it’s a cycle, rugby, book or shoppers club, the choice to join or leave the club is generally free and at your own discretion.
I personally have a fair few membership cards, my wallet is overflowing with coffee club, VIP shoppers cards. One club I didn’t sign up for was the cancer club.

This club is one you really don’t want to voluntary sign up for, its generally free, the merchandise sucks and they don’t hold great Christmas parties…. Ohhh and the only free coffees you get generally come with a side dose of Chemo….. It’s a pretty shit club.

Sadly 1 in 3 people in New Zealand have some association with this club.  It’s a club that once you have joined (like it or not), that you will forever have some link to it whether you like it or not.
This week is daffodil week (Friday is Daffodil day), a week that is the annual fundraiser for the NZ cancer society. For me this week means acknowledgement, not just of a particular cancer but acknowledgement about cancer itself, how it affects everyone - and not just the person with the cancer. It’s about families and friends, they too are forced to be part of the cancer club as well.
This last two weeks has also marked the start of my journey of post cancer scanning and checking, I’ve had my bloods done and my markers are still showing that I’m in normal  levels (yes, people I have a piece of paper to say I’m actually “normal”!... I know I’m confused, and slightly amused as well!!) – they have dropped to 0.7 from the 1.0 they were a few months ago… I’m quite happy with the dropping of numbers – that’s a good thing!

Being part of the cancer club means that even though I’ve finished my treatment and no longer have cancer, I still need to be regularly checked, for the next 3 years I will have scans, tests, exams and bloods done every 6 months,  then after 3 years I go to yearly checks for the next 3 years.  So even though it’s gone physically, I’m reminded constantly that it can come back (although my odds are pretty good that it won’t), it’s kind of like a ghost dog (this will be another post for another day)… lurking in the darkness….  I’ve done my dog training, I’m pretty good at it, so it should beware if it thinks about stepping over the line.

I’ve decided that whilst I don’t have a choice regrading being part of this club, I will still express my displeasure at being part of it… “cancer club” …. you can stick your membership card and renewal form!

 So please support Daffodil day, buy a  daffodil, dress in yellow, paint your nails yellow .... show your support for someone in the cancer club.

 

Thank you ......

RAG x x x

Mud, sweat and "sucking it up"

I rode my Mountain bike on 'real' Mountain bike tracks for the first time in a year.... hairy, muddy, wet tracks, in the rain in 2 degrees (oh and there was a bit of snow)... and I LOVED IT!

I know this sounds a little mad, but shit it felt good. Felt the best I have been on a bike in so long (Including pre diagnosis!). It was also good for my head space, something that I need to work (that's another post).

I'm paying for it a bit today (I'm tired and feeling sick), but was so worth it! It was hard and a little scary (I was worried I wouldn't be able to do it), but I sucked it up and did it.


Now I've done it, I'm a lot more confident and will do it again.... what I learnt.... suck it up sunshine, do it and don't talk yourself out of it.

until next time, sorry I'll add photos later ( a few technical issues with my brain tonight),

RAG x

12 months

This week marks 12 months exactly since I was diagnosed and when I started this journey… a year…. Shit!

What a year….

 

  I think a fitting way to describe this (and showing by British roots) would be to quote our dear Queenie….. “annus horribilis”  a pretty good summary I think!

Its been a year of many things, ups and downs, positives and negatives…. A year of learning, reflecting, planning and accepting. When I think back on it I have learned a lot this year, I’ve learnt what matters, what I’m capable of doing, who my friends are, and what’s important in my life.  

Well, it’s been a 12 months that I can tick off my ‘to do list” never to be repeated again….. been there, done that, moving on (I still didn’t get a bloody t-shirt!)…. The dog has been walked, tamed, taught who’s boss and is sitting nicely behaving itself in a yard far away from me, where it will stay!  I’m grateful that I have been lucky enough to get to where I am now, yep I’m scared, battered and a bit beaten at times but I’ve finished this part of my journey, there is a happy ending. A happy ending that 12 months ago seemed impossible and so far away. It hasn’t been easy (nothing about cancer is easy… except for my hate for it)  and there has been a lot of pure luck involved which I am very grateful for.

Whilst I started  this blog to record my journey, and to hopefully help others in the same boat, I feel it is far from over, just because I have finished this chapter, its not the end of the book. I have a long road ahead of me…. Recovery and finding a ‘new normal’ being my next challenge…… yes those people who know me well will be sniggering at me referring to myself as normal.

For the past 12 months I have been following a plan to kick this cancers butt….. with that plan finishing I need another….  As I said in my last post….. its on like Donkey Kong

 

Keep watching this space…

 

RAG x

Plan C

Yet again I have been slack with providing updates to this blog.

It’s been a difficult few weeks with side effects messing with both my body and mind, coupled with me being rather pig headed and beating myself up for having to finish IV chemo early… yes, I need to let it go (hmmmm anyone who’s familiar with my house hold will now be humming the Frozen song “let it go”).

Well anyway, me beating myself up over the whole IV Chemo thing was taken out of my hands last week when I saw my oncologist….. I have now had all my Chemo stopped, as my oncologist (well her offside, she was on holiday) stated on the day… “you’ve smashed the cancer” … apparently I have done more than enough chemo to kill anything that may have been lurking and I’m “done”, “finished” “fuck you cancer, I’ve won”.

After a year (yep, it will be a year next week since this journey began), being told it’s over feels odd… I’ve pretty much spent every minute of every day for the last year doing what I could to fight this thing and now it’s done… to be honest it’s a little mentally exhausting realising its over.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty stoked about not needing anymore chemo or treatment, its just a bit weird to get my head around. 

In a nut shell my CEA (Carcinoembryonic antigen) levels have gone from 19 when I was initially diagnosed (pre treatment), down to 1 (anything under 3.5 is classed as ‘normal’). * CEA  measurement is mainly used as a tumor marker to monitor colorectal carcinoma treatment, to identify recurrences after surgical resection, for staging or to localize cancer spread through measurement of biological fluids.

So now my next step is to get healthy again, the chemo has taken its toll with the nerves in my feet, and it generally wears down your liver and kidney function, not to mention your general fitness gets a hammering… so from here it’s all about finding a new normal, and a new beginning…. Plan C – being cancer free!  

so bring it on like donkey kong and lets start getting Plan C in motion.....

RAG x