Trust is a funny thing, you either trust something (or someone) or you don't. For me there is very little middle ground... its either one or the other. I have to admit the concept of having trust in my body is not something I had ever really thought about until it started letting me down... I trusted it to be healthy and it let me down by getting cancer.
It seems a silly thing to come out with, but that's how I feel. Until recently I had limited trust in my body, I feel that it really let me down. How do I start trusting something that I feel really let me down???
Drum roll please.......
you guessed it.... I rode my bike... a lot, and I pushed myself.
Rewind 12 months..... on November the 5th 2014 I had my first surgery - to remove my tumour and to 'technically' make me cancer free... yep, its been 12 months - shit doesn't time fly when your having fun!
I must have been out of surgery and recovering in my 'suite' at the hotel Hutt when I had a couple of visitors one day.... I'm going to blame the outcome of the conversation on the large quantity of drugs I was on. These two friends placed some faith in me, they believed I could do something pretty "big" for the condition I was in at the time and for what I was going to go through in the 6 odd months after. They entered me in a bike race, to take place pretty much 12 months to that day. I agreed. I have to confess, I actually didn't think I would make it. I had no trust in my body and its ability to do this.
So fast forward to last weekend, guess what I did.... I rode that race, it may have only been 25km (including the hill of awesomeness, that I had 'smashed' recently), but I did it. I may not have been fast.... I even had a support rider... my coach, one of the friends who had more trust and belief in me than I did.
My next 'test' was 5 days ago... I rode my Mountain bike in my first 6 hour race since I had been diagnosed (this consists of a set circuit of trails to ride, over and over again until the 6 hours is up, the winner is the person with the most laps over the 6 hours). No team for me, I decided to suck it up and push, so I did it solo... that's right me, myself and I.
I set myself a goal (6 laps), and I beat it (I did 8). Its funny, I came 11th out of 11 solo riders, usually I'd feel a bit shit about being the last (yes, I know someone has to be last.. blah blah blah), but you know this time, I didn't care, in my eyes I won. I won my battle with trust, its slowly getting earned back.. my body may have taken a bit of a beating, but nothing bad happened, and I beat my goal.
It hurt, both physically and mentally, but compared to cancer and chemo, it was nothing. Knowing that my body was able to do it was a biggie for me.
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| Does my bum look big in this? |
Trust... I don't have full trust in my body, but slowly (just like my riding speed), I'm pushing the boundaries and seeing what happens.
"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn't"
RAG x x x
