Missing In Action

I’ve actually lost track as to when I last posted on here. I’ve thought about posting a lot, yet always talked myself out of it….  Part of me was thinking “lets go back to pre blog days” but to be honest that will never happen, pre blog means pre cancer.

This is not saying or implying that I’m stuck and can’t get past or over the whole cancer thing, but its always going to be there. I’ve tried over the past few months to see if life can go back to pre cancer days… this can only last so long before something pops up… whether its something as simple and silly as forgetting to drink enough water and getting dehydrated, or seeing the scars on my body from surgery; through to some pretty complex stuff such as the share panic and dread that sets in when a letter from the hospital arrives with an appointments for a CT scan or bloods.

Its things like that that ping you right back into ‘reality’ and being missing in action doing whatever, wherever loses its carefreeness.

There is always a reminder, but I’m determined that, that’s all its going to be, I have been shaped by my experiences and they are part of my story and I have started to understand more as to where they fit into the next part of my story (they are the prequel for what is to come).

The past few months have been filled with so much…. There has been travel (Australia for work, and America for play); I have started working full time again; I’m (still)  learning to juggle the balance of work, training and family; I did my first ‘public’ talk about my journey (keep posted for a whole blog about that one); and sadly I’ve been too far too many funerals this year.

The next few months hold a lot; I have goals to meet on the bike, I have goals to meet personally and I have goals to meet professionally.

One thing I have learnt and am glad that I have learnt is that if you put your mind to it you can achieve… nothing ever gets handed to you, the harder you work for something the greater the success when you achieve it.

Radioactive girl is no longer missing in action… she is here to stay.

So thank you for coming back to read this post, please keep coming back… the best is yet to come…

RAG x

Just like riding a bike

Life is a funny thing, I think we often take a lot of things for granted. People seem to value monetary items and wealth over wellness and experiences.

Sometimes it’s the little things that we over look so often that are things that are the most valuable and precious. Simple pleasures I guess you could call them.

My simple pleasure… one of the things I value the most (aside from my family and friends of course) is the ability to ride a bike.

Now I know this is something that  may sound pretty horrific to some… the thought of exertion, getting hot and sweaty and grinding away in a mixture of pain and lycra clad horrificness ( I can imagine some of you reading this are smiling and nodding away reading this)… sounds pretty off putting right???

Well wrong…. To me riding a bike is a lot like life… and I think it’s a pretty good metaphor. (*disclaimer… this post is not attempting to convert any non cyclists into buying a bike and slapping on some lycra, but if it makes you feel a little tingly and slightly curious, I take no responsibility…. Just run with it and smile!!)

Anyway.. so what am I on about in terms of talking about life and bikes… have I changed the focus of this blog away from my cancer journey? I may hear you ask yourself… the short answer is NO….

Keep reading, I know you want to ;-)

Riding a bike is as close to flying as I thing you can get whist not having wings…. There is a freedom about getting out, feeling the wind in your face, your heart beating and having a smile on your face… hey isn’t this something we all want to achieve in life… freedom and enjoyment???

Life brings us happieness, choices, freedom, and new experiences… it also brings us change, unpredictability, challenges, fear, and at times can take us all to really shitty places we would rather not be in.
Riding a bike is pretty much the same.. As you know I have talked about riding the 50km Karapoti Mountain bike race which was in March…  this race is not just any race…. I guess its tag line of “more than just a race” stands true.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/news/hutt-valley/77024186/upper-hutt-cyclist-takes-on-karapoti-classic-after-cancer-treatment

For me Karapoti is a good summary of my life since I got diagnosed…. A mixture of hard work, incredibly steep (never ending) up hills, some places where I felt I just wanted to give up, lots of physically and mentally challenging bits, a fear of ‘what next, what could go wrong’, a few places where I got wet feet, an ongoing need to keep pushing myself no matter what, followed by an overall reward of some down hill and the finish line (Hmm that description actually makes it sound somewhat manageable… not sure if I’m talking about my journey or the race!).

I finished Karapoti…. I don’t care what time I did, I don’t care I was second to last, or that I rode most of the way with the tail end charlies (these guys were funny and great company), I don’t care that I yelled/ swore at the woman at one of the second to last aid station who asked if I wanted to give up and get a ride back in the 4WD (like hell was my answer… ummm ok, I may have used another word)…. But I had come far too far to give up just because someone thought I was struggling… struggling isn’t a reason to give up, if anything it a reason to keep moving forward… which I did. Two rules for myself… I wasn’t not allowed to sit or lie down (until the finish line), or go backwards… I had to keep going forward no matter what. What I care about the most is that I finished. I didn’t give up, and I crossed that finish line with my family and friends there to cheer me on…. Just like when I completed my cancer treatment… surrounded by people who invested as much time and trust into me as I did with them. Just like finishing treatment, at the end there was a few tears, not of fear or of pure tiredness, but of joy and completion, these were however masked come race day as having a lot of ‘sweat’ pouring out of a few eyes ;-) it was a very ‘sweaty’ finish line!

 

 

Karapoti (and riding a bike) affords the same amount of respect as life, there are always going to be ‘hick ups’ in life (and races) that show us down, may they be flat tires, broken bike bits, illnesses, unwanted changes… the list goes on. Life is full of changes, very few people will go through life on their initial “plan A” path, things changes, events occur  … we fall in love,  we fall out of love, we discover new interests, we experience life changing events; the same goes for riding a bike… we may set out to ride to one place, but there are always new paths and adventures along the way that will often make us stop, pick some blackberries, pat a horse, watch a waterfall, or just forget the original plan and keep riding with a smile on your face.

I guess one thing that I have discovered since this journey began… is that no matter what path you start off on, being prepared to change course and just go along for the ride, who know where you will end up.

Until next time… keep riding

RAG  x x x

 

Lets party like its 2016!

Well it’s now 2016, shit how did that happen? Time fly’s when you’re having fun ;-)

It’s been a while between blogs, to be brutally honest, I’ve written and then re written new posts so many times in my head that I can’t count how many times I have sat down to physically write something then either drawn a blank or started writing something and ended with it going round and round in circles… I guess that describes perfectly where my head is at times.

I swear at times I need continual circus themed music playing to be the sound track in my head! I guess I blame part of this on the 1. Chemo brain (it’s a great scape goat!), 2. my ongoing anger for cancer – seriously it just make me so pissed off that so many people have to put up with this stupid disease, 3. my promise to myself that I want something positive to come from my journey and I guess finally…. number 4 (If you have ever actually talked to me in person you’ll understand this) I will often have so much going on in my head that it just fly’s out at random times!

So 2016 has officially kicked off, we have now been here for 2 weeks!  Did I make any new years resolutions? Nope!

I promised myself that I wasn’t going to make a list of things to “do” this year… I’m pretty experienced now in the art of “working to plan B or C or even D” to know that nothing ever goes to perfect plan, with that I decided that rather than making a list, I would “just do shit”  (*snort, yep, shit, in connection to the Bowel Cancer thing seems to be a pretty appropriate word to use).

So this year’s first “get shit done” is to start training with the focus of completing the 50km Karipoti Mountain bike race in March…. Watch this space for more details… trust me, I have a feeling this will feature a lot in coming weeks.

My second “get shit done” is going to be trying to increase the awareness of Bowel Cancer… yes, watch this space, this may involve full audience participation, which means you! It also means I need to keep this blog updated on a more regular basis, so stay tuned, hold on tight and get ready to come along on an interesting journey.

 

So on that note, thanks for reading this post, for finding this blog and for coming back.

Stay tuned…  RAG is back  x