Well, since my last update I have now achieved a few firsts….
My first repeat iv infusion (2 down, about 5 to go), first ED admission (don’t panic),
first time questioning “do I really want to continue with the iv treatment”, first bike ride, first time being able to
stand in the mirror and both pull in my abdominals and hold them in for ohhhhh
about 10 seconds! (It’s a start!).
So as I have said a few firsts over the past few weeks. Yep,
I realise I’m not blogging as often as I used to, well that’s pretty much due
to me being on a bit of a cycle…. The week I have iv is a week which I’m pretty
much out cold, Chemo is on a Tuesday morning, and it’s pretty much not until the
Sunday when I’m starting to feel a bit more human, between the Tuesday and Sunday
my life consists of sleeping, sleeping and pretending not to sleep when I’m
sitting upright (I fail at that one). IV chemo is harsh, to be honest, it’s a lot
harder than I thought it would be. I pretty much start having side effects
before I leave the hospital (my hands ‘claw” up, I’m extremely cold sensitive,
my speech is slurred as my throat ‘closes up’ due to the changes in room/ air temperature,
and my legs seem to have a mind of their own
- one leg tried to go in one direction, the other in the opposite).. I really
look like a failed poster child of chemo promotion, I do feel sorry for all the
people that watch me walk to the car, I must look like quite a sad sight….. I
think next time I’ll take a balloon and stick it under my top at the back and
start hunching over saying “the bells, the bells”.
The 2 weeks following my chemo are great, I feel and look
human (I do have a few side effects but nothing that stops me from doing
stuff), it does mean that I try and make the most of those two week which does
mean that I sometimes forget to sit down and write (sorry).
Anyway back to my list of firsts. After the reaction I had
after round 2 I have to confess it has left me wondering every now then if it’s
all worth it (I reacted badly and ended up in the ED department on the Friday morning
sue to the side effects, interestingly I discovered that my neutropenic fever
card does work as a queue jumper at the hospital – sorry for all those people
that had been waiting)… heaps of what ifs popping into my over active mind, and
cunning plans about checking myself into hospital and just saying give it all
to me at once, get it over and done with, so I can finish this chapter of my
life and move on. The couple of days after the infusion were pretty tough and
it did put me off the prospects of Rounds 3, 4, 5 , 6 , and 7. Saying all this,
I must add I’m not giving up…. When the rational side of me thinks about it, it’s
only 5 more round, that’s about 3.5 months to go…. Easy peasy, bring it on. Everyone
has good day and bad days – its normal, my bad days are usually connected to
feeling like shit (another thing I can’t really control)….. ding ding ding,
here comes the pity train. So in a little
over a weeks time, I will start again, put my big girl panties on, and rock up
to the oncology out patients, roll up my sleeve and suck it up…… if I was to
back out of it Cancer would control yet another aspect of my life, my infusions
are my way of say “fuck you cancer” and
kill it with fire.
I rode my bike!…. A bit of a learning curve…. Must remember
I haven’t actually ridden for nearly 6 months, so I really should have started
my ride a little more gentler than what I did (cranking along at a pace I would
have used to have ridden at was a bit of a fail come 2 km down the road when
the wall smacked me in the face!)… Lesson learnt!… so I continued my ride (well
by this stage it was more like a crawl) at a more leisurely pace…. Until I
spotted an older lady on the river trail, wearing a fluro yellow vest (don’t get
me started on yellow vests!) riding a curiser bike…. Now a little voice in me
(the one that usually makes me do stupid dumb shit) started to point out that
she was actually faster than me…. This started eating me… until I decided to “beat”
said yellow vested lady…… I should add that at this stage I swear I was only
riding at about 12km/hr as that was all I could manage…. I then cranked it up
to ‘warp/ zimmerframe speed’ and managed to cruise up to a still laughable
15km/hr to take the lead (yes, clap clap….. I hit a new low… I guess at least
she didn’t have a basket and muffins that were being taken to orphans). So by the time I ended my ride… a whole 6.5km
later! I was shattered….. but you know what… I didn’t stop, I didn’t give up
because it was hard and I was sore… moving forward is good. And the fresh air
did wonders to counteract the chemo side effects.
Anyway.. so that takes me to today… nearly a week out from
my next chemo. As much as it could be so easy and more pleasant to those around
me for me to pull the pin, and say enough is enough. I’m not going to do that,
in the grand scheme of things this is just a blip, a few months, nothing to
write home about really. I am going to put my head down, suck it up and just do
it. I will kick its butt!
Well that’s enough rambling tonight, I realise todays post
is a bit disjointed, it was just what was going through my head.. Thanks for
reading
Take care RAG x x x
