I'm in mixed thoughts about the title of this post... whilst this year really has been pretty much overshadowed by the nightmare of the last 5 month, it has also been a year where had it not been for events in July, that this may have pretty much been one of my last, so in that sense I am rather grateful.
I am also grateful for this year giving me some perspective into many areas of my life... what is worth worrying about, what is worth fighting for and who my true supports and friends are.
On reflection, despite this year being generally described as "shitballs" I do have to admit there have been a lot of positives.
Hey, the biggest being that I'm here and at this point of time looking pretty good to being on the "cancer free track"!
Life has changed a lot this year, not just for me but for everyone close to me... Cancer has a way of involving everyone, from my other half whom has held my hand (shhhh I'm not sure if he has actually realised this is a form of PDA!) throughout this whole thing, made me laugh when I needed it, cooked for me, looked after me and most of all.... been there when I have needed him; through to my beautiful "Miss nearly 8" who plays food police ('are you allowed to eat this?'), gives me unconditional cuddles, makes me laugh and most recently has become Judith's "personal protection officer" ('Careful, you don't want to do that, you might pop your bag'... I'm not quite sure what she thinks will happen if it pops... or how it will pop... but either way its pretty cute); cancer has also affected my family, friends and my co-workers... all of whom have been dragged along for the ride and have all played a part in making life over the past 5 months bearable .
2015 is a new year, with it, it brings new challenges, unknowns and the opportunities to push myself. I feel lucky in a way that Cancer has given me the opportunity to assess my life, to figure out what I want and don't want in my life, what to fight really means and what living is really about.
While I'm pretty sure there was a more "less invasive" way to learn these lessons other than getting cancer... I cant change things so I'm just going to continue to go with the flow.... and whilst doing so making cancer suffer from me.
there is a lot I want to write about the new year, but since its New Years eve, I'm going to sing off tonight... and spend the night eating icecream!
have a safe and happy night everyone, make the most of it... even if it only involves sitting curled up with your other half eating icecream... make it meaningful for you... tonight will only happen once...
RAG x
Wednesday 31 December 2014
Wednesday 24 December 2014
Standing still
As I write this I'm sitting looking at our Christmas tree... today is Christmas eve day... I'm usually not a huge Christmas person, but this year is more of a personal one for me to celebrate.. I'm still here... and planning in being here for many many more, and thanks to modern medicine I will be.
I am one of the lucky ones, totally grateful for being given the opportunity to make the most of everything.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of the cancer crap is about the luck of the draw... its often not about how much you fight the beast (or attempt to train the dog), sometimes things really just don't go to plan.... today I find myself thinking about two woman that I have followed their journey's(Natalie Murphy and Harriet Rowlands) ... both fighters in their own right, both strong and have left lasting impressions on many people, both sadly didn't make it.
Whilst I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions (wow I'm sounding like a real seasonal Grinch) I feel that by luck I have been given the opportunity to make the most of life.... and I plan on doing this... so watch out.. 2015 is the year of the comeback.
Right, its Christmas... lets step away from the serious stuff... as I've always said this blog is about getting out what's inside my head, I've currently got lots going on... both serious and the non.
I do promise not all posts will be as serious as the start of this one.
I'm now 7 weeks out from surgery... wow, how time flys when your having fun :-) Judith is still being Judith..... hmmm very much living up to her names sake (Judith Collins)... somewhat useful at times, but generally a big bag of shit (*disclaimer.... apologies if I have upset anyone's political beliefs or just insulted your Aunty etc etc.... if Judith is your Aunty etc, I'd love the opportunity to get a photo with her!).
I'm still none the wiser as to if I am getting round 2 of Chemo... I meet my oncologist on the 20th of January to find out.
And today is the day I am planning on jumping on (or should I say gently climbing on) Baldrick (my hardtail mountainbike) for the first time in about 10 weeks! I'm quite excited.... mind you I'm only planning on riding along the river trail, but that will be enough gnarl for now..... wooo hoo, living life in the fast lane!!!! bahahahahaha
Right I'm off to enjoy the sun while we still have it....
enjoy your day
RAG x x x x
I am one of the lucky ones, totally grateful for being given the opportunity to make the most of everything.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of the cancer crap is about the luck of the draw... its often not about how much you fight the beast (or attempt to train the dog), sometimes things really just don't go to plan.... today I find myself thinking about two woman that I have followed their journey's(Natalie Murphy and Harriet Rowlands) ... both fighters in their own right, both strong and have left lasting impressions on many people, both sadly didn't make it.
Whilst I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions (wow I'm sounding like a real seasonal Grinch) I feel that by luck I have been given the opportunity to make the most of life.... and I plan on doing this... so watch out.. 2015 is the year of the comeback.
Right, its Christmas... lets step away from the serious stuff... as I've always said this blog is about getting out what's inside my head, I've currently got lots going on... both serious and the non.
I do promise not all posts will be as serious as the start of this one.
I'm now 7 weeks out from surgery... wow, how time flys when your having fun :-) Judith is still being Judith..... hmmm very much living up to her names sake (Judith Collins)... somewhat useful at times, but generally a big bag of shit (*disclaimer.... apologies if I have upset anyone's political beliefs or just insulted your Aunty etc etc.... if Judith is your Aunty etc, I'd love the opportunity to get a photo with her!).
I'm still none the wiser as to if I am getting round 2 of Chemo... I meet my oncologist on the 20th of January to find out.
And today is the day I am planning on jumping on (or should I say gently climbing on) Baldrick (my hardtail mountainbike) for the first time in about 10 weeks! I'm quite excited.... mind you I'm only planning on riding along the river trail, but that will be enough gnarl for now..... wooo hoo, living life in the fast lane!!!! bahahahahaha
Right I'm off to enjoy the sun while we still have it....
enjoy your day
RAG x x x x
Thursday 11 December 2014
Judith's hidden talent
So today whilst on a home visit for work, Judith decided that she was not getting any attention... thankfully she was rather subtle.....
Whilst sitting at the table with the family I was working with (whom have 2 VERY large dogs), I could hear Judith making little sounds (picture the sounds the dishwash bottle makes when you squeeze it when its running out), then all of a sudden she made a slightly louder high pitch noise.. which apparently sounded very interesting to the dogs whom jumped up from the other side of the room to investigate my interesting sounding stomach!!!!
End result..... me sitting at the table, with two fascinated VERY large dogs with their heads in my lap!!!
thank you Judith for disclosing your hidden talent (if anyone wants to hire her as a dog calling system, message me and I'll happily rent her out!)... I am very grateful the dogs didn't decide to go digging for treasure!!!!
RAG x
Whilst sitting at the table with the family I was working with (whom have 2 VERY large dogs), I could hear Judith making little sounds (picture the sounds the dishwash bottle makes when you squeeze it when its running out), then all of a sudden she made a slightly louder high pitch noise.. which apparently sounded very interesting to the dogs whom jumped up from the other side of the room to investigate my interesting sounding stomach!!!!
End result..... me sitting at the table, with two fascinated VERY large dogs with their heads in my lap!!!
thank you Judith for disclosing your hidden talent (if anyone wants to hire her as a dog calling system, message me and I'll happily rent her out!)... I am very grateful the dogs didn't decide to go digging for treasure!!!!
RAG x
Tuesday 9 December 2014
Sealed joins and good plumbing
I have to confess... I'm a bit excited after having had a scan today to check to see if the joins where my mass was removed are ok and not leaking.
Initial results indicate that the joins have sealed well, and that everything is working well and there are no leaks... YAY!!! this means that I'm 1 step closer to having my ileostomy reversed!!!!
I meet the surgeon again on Monday, so this is where I'm hoping to get my formal pathology results and hopefully some information about what the next steps are... chemo? reversal of the ileostomy? when I can get tested to see if I'm in remission!
Shit (excuse the pun!) that would be the best Christmas present ever... CANCER FREE!!!!
Its been a random and hectic few months.... while it feels like this whole process has taken forever I still have to remember that its actually only been a few months. This time last year I had no idea I had cancer.
Time has a way of being inconsistent... there are days when things go really fast and at other times I sit there thinking that tomorrow will never come.
What I don't like, is that I feel I cant do everything I want... I'm still not at 100% health, I cant exercise or do the same things as pre Chemo/ all other treatments, and at times I forget this. Like at the weekend I went to a housewarming party.... such a fun night!, unfortunately for me I really do turn into a pumpkin if not home at a certain hour... that hour apparently is anything after 8.30- 9pm!!! so 10.30pm rolls on and I'm tired and sore (My abdominals are still really weak from being sliced and diced). Keeping in mind I was only drinking water and a bit of grape juice so I really have no excuses for how I felt the next morning!
Fast forward to Sunday morning.... I seriously don't know who felt worse, my jaegermeister drinking friend (she was on fine form when we left) or me "little miss cheap date" ... I'm pretty sure I may have given her a close run for money!
I'm learning (if a bit slowly) to take things easier and not to push myself to do things that I would have done this time last year... its hard tho!
anyway... its onwards and upwards.. moving forward, one step at a time
Until next time
RAG (somewhat slowly learning, or just a slow learner!) x
Initial results indicate that the joins have sealed well, and that everything is working well and there are no leaks... YAY!!! this means that I'm 1 step closer to having my ileostomy reversed!!!!
I meet the surgeon again on Monday, so this is where I'm hoping to get my formal pathology results and hopefully some information about what the next steps are... chemo? reversal of the ileostomy? when I can get tested to see if I'm in remission!
Shit (excuse the pun!) that would be the best Christmas present ever... CANCER FREE!!!!
Its been a random and hectic few months.... while it feels like this whole process has taken forever I still have to remember that its actually only been a few months. This time last year I had no idea I had cancer.
Time has a way of being inconsistent... there are days when things go really fast and at other times I sit there thinking that tomorrow will never come.
What I don't like, is that I feel I cant do everything I want... I'm still not at 100% health, I cant exercise or do the same things as pre Chemo/ all other treatments, and at times I forget this. Like at the weekend I went to a housewarming party.... such a fun night!, unfortunately for me I really do turn into a pumpkin if not home at a certain hour... that hour apparently is anything after 8.30- 9pm!!! so 10.30pm rolls on and I'm tired and sore (My abdominals are still really weak from being sliced and diced). Keeping in mind I was only drinking water and a bit of grape juice so I really have no excuses for how I felt the next morning!
Fast forward to Sunday morning.... I seriously don't know who felt worse, my jaegermeister drinking friend (she was on fine form when we left) or me "little miss cheap date" ... I'm pretty sure I may have given her a close run for money!
I'm learning (if a bit slowly) to take things easier and not to push myself to do things that I would have done this time last year... its hard tho!
anyway... its onwards and upwards.. moving forward, one step at a time
Until next time
RAG (somewhat slowly learning, or just a slow learner!) x
Thursday 4 December 2014
The attention span of a nit
Yep, that sums me up in a nut shell at the moment... apparently this is one of the side effects of having had so much time under anaesthetic. This is my excuse for not being on here so much. To date this post has taken me 4 days to write. Usually I can crank out what I want to say almost as fast as I can talk... and for all those that know me that's pretty darn fast! its a really weird feeling not being able to do something that would usually come naturally. Due to this lack of concentration, I find myself flitting between pages on the internet, and random (at times totally mindless) TV programmes whilst trying to relax at night (committing to reading a book is near impossible at the moment).. its all rather disjointed.
So yesterday marked the 4 week mark since I had surgery. In that time I have returned to work (well 16hrs a week, so don't panic, I'm not churning out 40hr weeks).
Working has been good, tiring but good, its giving me a focus of "normality", and has made me bite the bullet and go out in public, Judith in tow.... so far so good... Judith has behaved in public (minus one rather large ballooning out incident when we were out to dinner with friends, luckily they didn't notice until I pointed it out and I had a laugh).
Today I facilitated my first meeting since having Judith, this has been something I have been a little worried about... what happens if she "farts" loudly (I've been lucky so far my stoma is somewhat quiet... it makes the odd gurgle noise - just like a grumbling empty stomach sound... but so far no dramatic farts) or worse decides to explode in true "cartoon car crashing and exploding in flames" fashion - minus the flames... replacing it with something else that's far less desirable! Mission completed... no farts, or explosions!
Judith and I are attempting to be friends (or at least get along somewhat).... I consider her to be like one of those random flatmates whom you really don't like, but they pay the rent and replace the toilet paper when needed (although they place the roll round the wrong way on the holder, just to piss you off), but generally you try and not get to know them too well as you think they are rather annoying and a bit "special, in a special kind of way".
So every now and then Judith and I actually start to get on.. well by that I mean she actually starts to work how she's supposed to, then without warning, she decides to do something that upsets the whole balance of everything (think: the toilet roll being round the wrong way)... this is when she decides to become "over active" - yes that means what you think that does, or then she decides to stop working, by becoming partially blocked.... oh the fun of it.... roll on eviction!!!!!
On a plus side, I'm getting more flexible in terms of my trunk/torso movements... and am making far less old lady sounds when I get in and out of chairs and bed etc. Still no abdominal control.... this is a weird concept as its changed my whole body shape, especially when I'm really tired and cant hold my abdominals and back muscles tight.
Fingers crossed I can start trying to re-build my poor sliced and diced abdominals soon.
Well all in all this week has been a positive and a good one, things are progressing, I'm healing and I'm getting closer to the day when I can say I'm cancer free.
Until next time this tired brain and body is going to rest up.
Take care and thank you for reading this.
RAG x
So yesterday marked the 4 week mark since I had surgery. In that time I have returned to work (well 16hrs a week, so don't panic, I'm not churning out 40hr weeks).
Working has been good, tiring but good, its giving me a focus of "normality", and has made me bite the bullet and go out in public, Judith in tow.... so far so good... Judith has behaved in public (minus one rather large ballooning out incident when we were out to dinner with friends, luckily they didn't notice until I pointed it out and I had a laugh).
Today I facilitated my first meeting since having Judith, this has been something I have been a little worried about... what happens if she "farts" loudly (I've been lucky so far my stoma is somewhat quiet... it makes the odd gurgle noise - just like a grumbling empty stomach sound... but so far no dramatic farts) or worse decides to explode in true "cartoon car crashing and exploding in flames" fashion - minus the flames... replacing it with something else that's far less desirable! Mission completed... no farts, or explosions!
Judith and I are attempting to be friends (or at least get along somewhat).... I consider her to be like one of those random flatmates whom you really don't like, but they pay the rent and replace the toilet paper when needed (although they place the roll round the wrong way on the holder, just to piss you off), but generally you try and not get to know them too well as you think they are rather annoying and a bit "special, in a special kind of way".
So every now and then Judith and I actually start to get on.. well by that I mean she actually starts to work how she's supposed to, then without warning, she decides to do something that upsets the whole balance of everything (think: the toilet roll being round the wrong way)... this is when she decides to become "over active" - yes that means what you think that does, or then she decides to stop working, by becoming partially blocked.... oh the fun of it.... roll on eviction!!!!!
On a plus side, I'm getting more flexible in terms of my trunk/torso movements... and am making far less old lady sounds when I get in and out of chairs and bed etc. Still no abdominal control.... this is a weird concept as its changed my whole body shape, especially when I'm really tired and cant hold my abdominals and back muscles tight.
Fingers crossed I can start trying to re-build my poor sliced and diced abdominals soon.
Well all in all this week has been a positive and a good one, things are progressing, I'm healing and I'm getting closer to the day when I can say I'm cancer free.
Until next time this tired brain and body is going to rest up.
Take care and thank you for reading this.
RAG x
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