Shits and giggles....

Its been a while since I've genuinely had a good laugh on here at either myself, my current situation, or at the expense of some poor health care professional who has unfortunately got me on one of my "funny' days.... so here are some gems about having a stoma.

You know you have an Ostomy when...

...Someone tells a joke and your stoma "laughs" with you.
...Your purse just grew three sizes to accommodate your emergency supplies.
...Showering *fully* naked is exciting.
...The color, consistency, and detail of your poo is more interesting to you than most other topics.
...Your new "butthole" has a name. (mine is Judith) - FYI politicians are apparently popular choices for stoma names!
...You poo around company, visitors, during meetings, and meals etc.
...Pooing does not require clothing removal.
...You have more pooing supplies than a baby.
...You worry that the store employees think you are shoplifting something under your clothes because your bag is full.
...You drink a lot of fizzy just to see how quickly the bag will fill with gas. Then you can be your own floatation device/ children's party balloon animal.
...When someone says "Man, I gotta take a dump", you proudly say "I'M taking a dump RIGHT NOW!"
...You absent-mindedly feel the bottom of your bag to see if it needs emptying in front of strangers.
...That old insult "Your are full of shit" is demonstrably untrue.
.... you discover your stoma has a mind of its own and when starting to inflate like a balloon, can actually undo the zip in your pants!!!
....The noises your stoma makes can actually make you great money in the film industry as they can be used for the next alien movie.
... The sound of someone popping a 'Zap" or "Just Juice" carton gives you a very uneasy feeling!
... You and your other half have constant joking (with a somewhat serious undertone) about sleeping with a tarpaulin in the bed "just in case".
.... You giggle when you read online information sheets about stomas that state such things as..... do not use suppository's into your stoma, and "your stoma is not a sexual orifice"!
.... You talk with pharmacy staff about potential medications etc, and get greeted with a look of confusion.
... "oh shit" takes on a whole new meaning!
.... Your loving other half starts dicing with death (see above comment) when they decide to "superman" onto the bed when your in it!!!
....Coconut and pineapple becomes your mortal enemy.
... Your eating habits regress to becoming that of a picky/ fussy teenager again.
... Your Daughter becomes the food/ bag police.... with regular safety warnings of "don't pop your bag" and can you eat this???
.... clarification needs to be had when discussing exactly what type of bag your discussing.... confusions about colour and size can easily had if your not careful...  i.e (in reference to my new camera bag.. conversation had via txt)  Me: "the bags really orange... I really like it, it will stand out easily out in a crowd"
My other half: "what the hell have you been eating? was that last night curry???"

So with these gems  of wisdom shared.... Judith and I will enjoy the rest of our Friday....
take care peoples...

RAG x x x