I've been asked by a lot of people why I don't have my name on this blog or why I haven't announced it on Facebook (if its not in FB its not true.. isn't that the story).
people have aske is it because I'm embarrassed, or is it behacues I don't want people to find out.
To make things clear I'm not embarrassed, I've done a lot of embarrassing things in my life time... a perm, a replica spice girls metallic silver party dress (silver platform heels to match), several (hell I was a student in Dunedin) incidents involving alcohol fuelled awesomeness..... shit the list could go on. But one of these thngs is not identifying that I have cancer. I am not embarrassed I have cancer. Rectal cancer does not mean I have done anything wrong to get it... you cant catch cancer by doing something some "genius" has preached about, such as oral sex causes mouth cancer, underarm deodorant causes breast cancer or eating meat or unwashed non organic fruit will give you cancer.... with a high statistical rate you have a chance of getting cancer no matter what you do... so saying this I have to get it of my chest... I have not ever smoked cigarettes from my bum (well wouldn't that be the cause of rectal cancer? ;-)
I'm not ashamed I have cancer, I'm in a pretty big club of people..... I confess I am ashamed of admitting to have once had a perm and owned a spice girl dress!
I have a couple of reason for not making this public just yet.. I will in time.
Firstly I find telling people (and how they react) really stressful. Not everyone has been user friendly, I have told a few people and they have not replied to emails (I have a lot of friends who live overseas), or I've told people and the first thing out of their mouths is "when are you going to die?" or they burst into tears and I spend the next half an hour trying to make them feel better.... all of which is not helpful.
My second reason for not making this public is that I know that everyone has a cancer story, whether its your cousins gardeners dog walkers second wife's hairdresser, or its a close family member. Everyone's cancer and ways of managing it are different.
I'm happy for people to do what they need to do for them to get through but just like religion, I feel it is really important that people keep their thoughts and beliefs to themselves. I'm more than happy to talk about my decisions about treatment, but I don't what to hear that I'm making bad decisions from someone who doesn't have a health qualification. I'm doing what is right for me and my situation.
I don't want to offend anyone by telling them to fuck off, but being told that I should be humming Beetles songs whilst naked in the garden with a tinfoil cap on while drinking some random concoction of my own wee and fresh juices and ground dirt, is not helpful to my stress levels. Hence my lack of publically disclosing my current "health status".
I'm respectful to what everyone else's beliefs and values are that are right for them, so i'f like to receive the same respect for my choices.
Saying this I do plan of disclosing this blog to the wider world, and I will take the mask off RAG, but until I know what's happening and I have my next plan (surgery), I think my comfort levels are right where they are now.
so until next time, keep smiling at my embarrassment of impulse buying during the height of the Spice Girls...
RAG x
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